don't mess with Texas

For those of you that haven't read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon, I highly recommend it. It's a great book, and it features one of the most unique characters you'll come across in contemporary fiction. It's definitely worth your time.

Unless you live in Galveston, Texas.

If that's the case, then I give you the immortal words of Galveston City Council Member Chris Peden. And of course, don't let the fact that he didn't actually read the book deter you from taking his advice.

“A lot of liberal do-gooders say we should take the book in its entirety . . . that’s like saying a man is a great deacon at his church, a great Little League coach, a great provider for his family, but he beats his wife. That is not a good man. The firestorm is all the liberal pacifists who are trying to make us out to be book burning, goose-stepping Nazis. That’s not the case at all. There are plenty of books without profanity we could promote.”

The only thing I could understand from that quote was that they're not Nazis. And he's right. This is a Nazi.

How bout that 'stache?

1,000 days at sea

Reading crazy-man Reid Stowe's plan to sail the open seas for 1,000 days without stopping, refueling or touching land definitely makes me feel like a bit of a sissy. I don't think I could make it for 100 days without human contact or being able to leave the confines of a freakin' boat, let alone 1,000!! This guy has some serious stones to even think about such a thing, and at the same time, there's something about his plan that makes you wonder . . . what would it be like to just leave everything behind?

It's a great piece of journalism, and it's definitely worth a read.

50 Most Loathsome People of 2005

It's been a little while since I posted about a list, but this one is too good to pass up. The Buffalo Beast's "50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005" is pretty entertaining. A couple of my favorite examples:

33. Johnny Damon

Charges: Any baseball player with highlights in his hair should be faced with the same penalty system applied to those using performance-enhancing steroids. It’s ruining the game. And if a ball player is going to grow a beard, it should be a Charlie Manson/Thurman Munson scraggle of bushy whiskers, not a neatly manicured and softly conditioned frame for your pretty face. The only thing that got Damon to step into line and quit hair-farming was a 52 million dollar check from the New York Yankees. Boston prayed for the multi-bladed Gillette that officially made him a Yankee to slip while gliding over his Adam’s apple and spill his lifeblood into the bathroom sink.

Exhibit A: Going from the Red Sox to the Yankees is like fucking the guy that murdered your husband.

Sentence: Killed by barrage of hurled D cell batteries when he takes the field at Fenway next season.

AND...

16. R Kelly

Charges: As if videotaping himself urinating on an underage girl wasn’t bad enough, Kelly decided to follow up by inflicting the worst piece of music in American history upon the public consciousness. Kelly claims he is a genius for squeezing out what are so far 12 installments of his “hip hopera,” “Trapped in the Closet” like so many virtually identical turds, with no variation in musical content and a story line so patently terrible that it soon became the subject of a parody-frenzy involving Saturday Night Live, South Park, Mad TV, Jimmy Kimmel, and the Upright Citizens brigade, among many others. Even his good songs all seem to be about fucking underage girls.

Exhibit A: Seriously—pissing on an underage girl.

Sentence: Trapped in a closet. Eventually dies of thirst.

proving once again why he is AWESOME

"I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts. "
~ Chuck Norris

reading schedule

I have a problem when it comes to buying books. I can't walk into a bookstore (or even Target or Costco, anymore) without walking out with a new book. Now this may not seem like a big deal, since I love to buy books, and they look good on my shelves, but it keeps me from reading the books that I buy in a timely manner.

See, when I buy a new book, it automatically takes my attention from the last new book I bought. So even though I might be excited about getting a new book, the 3 or 4 books I buy right after that distract me from it. So, in an effort to actually read these books that I buy, and to stop jumping from one randomly-chosen book to another, I'm going to create a reading shecdule that I will follow. I hope.

I'll start with 5 books, beacuse I don't want to get too ambititious. I've always loved the short time between books when I can look at my bookshelves and ask myself, what should I read next? So I don't want to schedule too many books, but 5 seems like a good round number to start with. Here goes:

1. The Shadow Rising by Robert Jordan -- I'm already 200 pages into this book, so I might as well start with it.

2. The Hound of the Baskervilles by Arthur Conan Doyle -- I want to read some of the Sherlock Holmes stories, and this is supposed to be one of the best.

3. The Final Solution by Michael Chabon -- I know I just read this, but I'm really curious to read it after finishing a Sherlock Holmes story. Plus, it's only 120-some pages, so it shouldn't take long.

4. The Fires of Heaven by Robert Jordan -- Next book in The Wheel of Time series. I don't want to go too long between books, since I'm trying to get caught up for the most recent one.

5. Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman -- I got this book for Christmas, I've been really excited about it, but somehow I keep getting distracted from it. No mas!

Now I actually have to follow my schedule.

And not buy new books.

In fact...

Going along with my previous post, I'd like to recommend Grumpy Old Bookman as a excellent blog for those interested in books or the literary world. I like the fact that he pulls no punches, which makes his positive reviews all the more meaningful.

Along with Powell's blog (which has become daily reading material), I've found myself checking GOB more and more, so I've decided to update my (very) limited links section and add a couple new names to the list. Check them out the next time you have some time to kill.

The Final Solution by Michael Chabon

I had been intrigued by the premise of Michael Chabon's The Final Solution for some time, but it wasn't until I read this review at Grumpy Old Bookman that I got really interested in reading it. I had read and enjoyed The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, and I've had Wonder Boys sitting on my shelf for the last year now, but when I saw The Final Solution in Borders this weekend, I had to pick it up. The idea of an 89-year-old Sherlock Holmes coming out retirement to solve a mysterious crime was just too good to pass up.

And though I've been wanting to read Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories for a long time, I'd never been able to work up the enthusiasm to go out and get the books. Holmes is one of those legendary characters of literature that it seems everyone knows, but it wasn't until I read Chabon's little tale that I felt a real excitement about reading Doyle's detective stories. I'm looking forward to experiencing the Sherlock Holmes phenomenon for myself, and I plan on revisiting The Final Solution once I've read a few of Doyle's works. If I enjoyed it that much without really understanding all the allusions and references, I imagine it'll be even better once I do.

If you're curious about the premise of The Final Solution, or are looking for a good review of it, check out Grumpy Old Bookman. His review is linked above.

Larry King transcript

Here's the transcript from Larry King Live, with James Frey as the guest. I don't really have much more to say about this guy, other than that I think he's a bullshit artist who has set himself up for a bestselling career of "fiction" from here on out. His whole argument on the show seemed to be that it's a "very small portion of the book that is being disputed," so what's the big deal?

I guess the fact that millions of readers bought his "memoir" with the implicit understanding that the main character is actually a real-life person whose actions are realistically portrayed in the "story" isn't a big deal.

On a side note, for those that are interested, I'm looking to publish a short work of non-fiction detailing my experiences last night. I got good and loaded on Colt 45, mixed in large amounts of horse tranquilizers, went out and stole a cop car for a little joyride, and then gave myself a DUI.

Cuz that's how I roll.

a million little pieces . . . of bullshit?

For all you charter members of Oprah's Book Club, here's a couple of stories on James Frey, the author of A Million Little Pieces. The newest addition to Oprah's hallowed club has been touted as "a riveting tale of real-life horseshit"(1) and "an amazing addition to the steaming piles of donkey feces that have become so popular of late"(2).

This is a good example of someone trying to sell his annoying, self-pitying memoir to the American public because he's too scared to write fiction that is acknowledged as such. No one would read Frey's work if it was "fiction" beacuse then it would just be melodramatic crap. But if it really happened . . . why the hell not? Oprah likes it!


(1) Me
(2) Me

Robert Jordan v. George R.R. Martin

The title of this post is a little misleading, as I don't intend to do a full-scale comparison between these two authors. Although they are both authors of very long and detailed epic fantasy series, there are many differences in their respective styles and sub-genres. Though both writers' most well-known works, Jordan's The Wheel of Time and Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire, are both hugely popular fantasy series, the two authors have very distinct voices and explore different themes in their works. Mainly, the title of this post merely reflects the automatic connection I make between two writer's whose work has occupied so much of my time.

However, just for the record, I hold A Song of Ice and Fire to be far superior to Jordan's epic, as The Wheel of Time has become a little too bloated and bogged down for my taste. Still, as I have recently finished Martin's latest book, and would like to read Robert Jordan's newest entry in his series (once I finish re-reading the previous books), both stories are fresh in my mind.

Since I'm currently in the middle of re-reading The Wheel of Time, I'll concentrate (briefly) on Robert Jordan.

Having not read these books in years, all I remember is how frustrated and disappointed I had been with the last few books in the series.The first 5 or 6 books in the series were so good, so engrossing, that the decline of Jordan's storytelling in the latter books was a huge disappointment. When The Knife of Dreams, the supposedly penultimate book in the series, came out to fairly positive reviews, I let my hopes rise up a bit. I decided to bring myself back up to speed by starting at the beginning. And I have to say, the beginning is really, really good.

I'd forgotten what a great job Jordan does of creating a vibrant, detailed world with incredible amounts of backstory. Much like Martin, he litters his story with little nuggets of history and backstory that are as intriguing as the present storyline. In fact, although he admitted that the first book in The Wheel of Time was intended to have a "Tolkienesque" feel to it, I am surprised at how closely his story mirrors many elements of the Lord of the Rings. At first.

What's impressive is that he does such a good job of peopling his world and writing his story in such a way that it feels fresh and interesting despite the intentional parallels with Tolkien's work. By the time the second book begins, you quicky realize that this story cannot be told in three or four volumes, but will take much, much longer. And that is both a blessing and a curse.

It is a blessing because Jordan takes the time to develop his characters and storylines, while continuing to introduce mysterious subplots. He has an amazing ability to casually drop tiny hints of what's to come early in his story, which the reader doesn't recognize until two or three books later and goes "Holy Shit! That's what that was!" He has so many plotlines spinning at once that at times, the reader feels as confused and overwhelmed as the heroes of his tales. Going back over the series after such a long break from it, but still remembering the many twists and revelations, has really made me appreciate the incredible scope of his many plots within plots.

Unfortunately, this same breadth of information and storytelling is what leads the series to its eventual crawl of a pace.

For the moment, however, I'm still lost in the early pages of this epic adventure, and I'm enjoying the chance to revisit Jordan's world. Hopefully, any frustration I feel later on will be tempered by a return to his original storytelling form in The Knife of Dreams. Until then, though, I'm just enjoying the ride.

Maybe after I read a few more of the books, I'll feel frustrated/excited/irritated/stoked enough to look at a few of the differences between these two epics in more detail.

Maybe.

don't f*** with Chuck

Believe it or not, the recent Chuck Norris craze has struck with such force that the Los Angeles Times has an article on it. Not only that, but I found out some more important facts about Chuck. But rather than tell you all of them, I'll simply liste a couple of my new favorites. The rest can be found at the Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator.

God bless you, Chuck.

And in case you didn't know . . .

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Mike Williams for MVP

January 4th is upon us, and you know what that means . . . that's right, it's time for the Granddaddy of Them All! It's Rose Bowl time, suckas.

My prediction, even though I really have no clue about either of these teams due to the total lack of media coverage, is that USC beats Texas in an epic shoot-out. Final score: 7-6.

USC scores a field goal and two safeties in the final quarter to pull off the upset. The Trojans overcome the loss of Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart to freak toe-fungus related injuries, and in a surprise move of WWE proportions, they bring back Mike Williams to play quarterback. Thanks to some little-known NCAA regulations, he gets another year of college elgibility due to the change of position and his freakishly large hands. He leads them on a 87-yard drive in the waning minutes of the game for the winning field-goal. He kicks it himself.

Congrats, USC.

welcome to 2006

It's a new year. I'm back in Los Angeles. I should have more to say, but I'm still tired from my vacation. Ironic, huh?

Once I get settled back in (ie. watch the Rose Bowl), I'll probably try to get back to the consistent posting. Until then . . . peace.