Mark Cuban 9, Phil Jackson 1

You might think that slavery is illegal in the United States nowadays. Not according to Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks. Check out the following excerpt from his blog:

"I own Phil Jackson. Not literally of course. That thrill belongs to the smartest businesswoman in professional sports, Jeannie Buss. Figuratively however, the coach formerly known as the Zen Master must now be considered my bucket boy.

This wasn't an acquisition I proactively pursued. There wasn't an official competition that I won, thereby confirming my dominance of his psyche. Instead Phil has initiated an ongoing commentary about me that started in his previous stint with the Lakers and was reinstated this year with his return, that proves I own the guy.

For whatever reason, I have gotten to Phil so completely and thoroughly that every time he comes to Dallas he has to offer unsolicited comments about me to the media. I wonder if he dreams about me the nights he spends here in Dallas. Ok, I don't wonder. I'm curious about it.

How can the NBA coach with so many championship rings find me so intimidating? I really don't know, but he said as much in December when he called me an 'intimidating force' to the LA Times:

'Consider a place like Dallas, where the owner runs around, pumps up the volume, intimidates the referees and ... has announcers as hired cheerleaders, which is an intimidating force.'

Then of course last night he again took the initiative to comment to the media about how I am such a presence in the NBA that I turn the officials into 'nervous nellies.' Implying that I can have more influence on the outcome of a game than his coaching skills. I wish. But if Phil wants to this so, I'm fine with that. That's what happens when you own someone, they can't get you out of their head, and they don't often think, speak or act rationally.

I guess Phil was so overwhelmed that it caused him to take back-to-back delay of game penalties and the technical foul that comes with it, rather than send his team out to the court at the conclusion of a timeout in the 4th quarter. "

Awesome.

step into the Octagon

Seriously, how bad-ass is this octopus?

This brings back fond memories of Animal Face-Off. I still think that show would have been better if they let real animals go at it. But hey, that's just me. Maybe it would have pissed some people off.

Maybe.

a letter of apology

To The Unfortunate Soul Who Used The Bathroom After Me Today:

I apologize. As my co-worker, you deserve a better reception than the one you received this morning. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. You deserve a peaceful environment in which to conduct your business. But alas, that was not meant to be. I never meant for this to happen, but it did. I thought I had better control of my stomach. I've always thought that I lead and my gastrointestinal organs follow. But I learned differently today. Clearly, all is not right in my world. Nonetheless, that is no excuse. The smell that awaited you this morning was atrocious; I admit that. I fully understand that an odor like that does not belong indoors. Or outdoors, really. In fact, there's a good chance that Hazmat has already been called, and if that is indeed the case, I hope you've left the bathroom by now.

I would also like to apologize for telling everyone in the office that you were in the bathroom for "an awful long time this morning." And for snickering and pointing every time I walked by. I'm sure you were busy trying to clean up the vomit that was the inevitable response to such a memorable smell, but I thought that it might be a good idea to shift the blame a little bit. If anyone realized that I was the one responsible for that putrid fog creeping out from under the door, well . . . let's just say "better you than me." I can only say that an evening of football, beer, bratwursts, chili, spinach dip, ham dip, guacamole, chips, soda, ice cream, cupcakes, brownies and water don't mix as well as you might think. It's no excuse, but hey, it's all I have. Thanks for understanding.

Sincerely,

Your Unnamed Coworker

Super Bowl XL

This was easily one of the worst Super Bowls I've ever watched.

I know a lot of people were complaining beforehand that Pittsburgh and Seattle are boring teams that no one but their fans care about, but I really thought there was a lot of potential for a good game. I never thought that Seattle had a chance of winning it, simply because I'm from the Pacific Northwest, and I know that no team from Oregon or Washington has a chance of taking care of business when it matters. The Trailblazers, the Supersonics, the Seahawks; they all kill their fans when it counts, and I never had any illusions that this would be any different. Still, I expected the game to be decent to watch. I figured that at least Pittsburgh would look good while they crushed the Seahawks' fans hopes and dreams, but unfortunately, they didn't.

I'm not sure why Bill Cowher decided to switch things up, but for some reason, the Steelers came out running. A lot. I know that Pittsburgh has been known as a running-oriented team for the past few years, but their success over the second half of this season and the playoffs came when they decided to open up the playbook and start each game with Big Ben throwing the mid-range passes. It helped set up the run, and it got Roethlisberger into a rhythm. In this game, they never got their timing going early on, and all of Big Ben's early passes seemed to come when he was forced out of the pocket or on little dink-and-dunk throws. After a stellar postseason, the young Steeler QB looked pretty bad in the biggest game of the season. I'm sure a lot of that can be attributed to nerves, but I think the poor play calling early on didn't help.

And although Seattle only put up 10 points, that had more to do with the Seahawks inability to convert than it did with the Steelers' defense. Troy Polamalu and Jerry Porter were pretty much non-factors in the game, mainly because Pittsburgh stopped doing what it has done so well all year -- blitz. They blitzed their way past the Bengals, Colts and Broncos, but they dceided to rush four guys for most of the game and let Matt Hasselbeck have a ton of time. Of course, being a Seahawk, he didn't really do much with all that time, but he could have.

All in all, neither team looked good. There were only one or two exciting plays in the whole game, and even some of the biggest plays, like Willie Parker's long touchdown run, were pretty boring. He basically hit the hole, broke maybe one tackle, and went untouched in the end zone. Sweet. Still, no matter how boring or bad the Steelers might have played, any real Northwest fan knew what was coming before Super Bowl XL ever started. I knew the Seahawks never had a chance, but I hoped that they might look decent while they lost.

I'm not sorry that one is behind us, and I'm already trying to forget it. Here's to next year's matchup . . . Bengals vs. Bears!!!

Adam and Eve and the Snake

Wow. Talk about a book that's bound to be banned from every school in Texas. And probably a bunch of other states, too.

The Garden, by Elise Aidinoff, details the Garden of Eden story from the perspective of Eve. And let's just say that this version of Genesis portrays Eve as a little more . . . comfortable . . . with the Snake than she is with Adam.

The Guardian has an interesting look at Aidinoff and her book. I'm amazed that this book was even published, but I guess I shouldn't be too surprised by the publishing industry's willingness to support controversial books. Still, I have a hard time seeing how a "young adult" book like this has any chance at reaching the kids it's aimed at -- those brought up by Christian families and are familiar with this biblical tale. It will be interesting to see how this plays out in the coming year.

This review of Chuck Norris new book The Justice Riders clearly does not recognize Norris' authorial genius. For example:

"I don't think I'll ever be able to forget those awful sights of human bodies being torn apart by close-range musket shots, the thunderous roar of so many cannons, and the smells - the awful stench of blood and death all around us; wave after wave of the Rebels pouring over those breastworks at the Carter's place, and men dying on top of one another, both blue and gray uniforms."

How could lines like that get a bad review?

Honestly.

the people's library

Due to recent problems with Washington politicians and staff members editing entries about themselves, Wikipedia has banned all Capitol Hill computers from the editing process.

See NPR for more details.