a letter of apology

To The Unfortunate Soul Who Used The Bathroom After Me Today:

I apologize. As my co-worker, you deserve a better reception than the one you received this morning. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. You deserve a peaceful environment in which to conduct your business. But alas, that was not meant to be. I never meant for this to happen, but it did. I thought I had better control of my stomach. I've always thought that I lead and my gastrointestinal organs follow. But I learned differently today. Clearly, all is not right in my world. Nonetheless, that is no excuse. The smell that awaited you this morning was atrocious; I admit that. I fully understand that an odor like that does not belong indoors. Or outdoors, really. In fact, there's a good chance that Hazmat has already been called, and if that is indeed the case, I hope you've left the bathroom by now.

I would also like to apologize for telling everyone in the office that you were in the bathroom for "an awful long time this morning." And for snickering and pointing every time I walked by. I'm sure you were busy trying to clean up the vomit that was the inevitable response to such a memorable smell, but I thought that it might be a good idea to shift the blame a little bit. If anyone realized that I was the one responsible for that putrid fog creeping out from under the door, well . . . let's just say "better you than me." I can only say that an evening of football, beer, bratwursts, chili, spinach dip, ham dip, guacamole, chips, soda, ice cream, cupcakes, brownies and water don't mix as well as you might think. It's no excuse, but hey, it's all I have. Thanks for understanding.

Sincerely,

Your Unnamed Coworker