Chillin' with Oppy

another point guard?

2007-05-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

I know that there's been a lot of talk of making a trade to bring Mike Conley, Jr. to the Blazers along with Oden. (If we draft him, I mean)

But seriously, do we really need another point guard? I've heard that we're also interested in getting Steve Blake, or trying to trade up to get Milwaukee's number 6 pick. I just don't see why. Jack is only coming into his third year in the league, and he already looks pretty solid. I know he has his bad days, but he's still so young. And we've all seen flashes of what Sergio is capable of. I think they are both going to be excellent NBA players, they just need a little more time. I don't think Conley or anyone else we could get in the draft will be any better right off the bat.

And as for Blake, as much as I like the guy, do we really think Jack or Sergio won't be at least as good as he is in a year or two? I think they both are going to keep improving, and one (if not both) will be the right fit for the team we have now. Let's ignore all this talk about point guards and concentrate on the one position we really need to fill-- small forward.

Rashard Lewis, anyone?

greatest video ever

2007-05-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

Talk about chills.

I'm going to be watching this this for a long, long time.

Blazers and Lakers

2007-05-26T22:58:00.001-07:00

As a lifelong Blazer fan living in Los Angeles, I sometimes wonder which I love more: seeing the Blazers win or seeing the Lakers lose.

Don't get me wrong, I always want the Blazers to win. And I guess, if I had to choose, I'm always going to go for the Blazers victory. But there's just something about the Lakers and their fans that make me despise them with a bone-chilling hatred.

Obviously, the most glaring offense they've ever committed was beating us in the 2000 Western Conference finals. I'm firmly convinced that that loss in Game 7 changed the course of recent NBA history. If Portland had held on to that FIFTEEN point lead, we would have crushed Indiana in the Finals and Trader Bob wouldn't have blown up the team. We probably would have been able to win at least one more title with that squad, especially after such a confidence-boosting comeback. And Kobe and Shaq might have had their falling-out a lot sooner without championship rings to smooth things over. But we were never the same after that, physically OR mentally. It just seemed like the team and the town were scarred by that meltdown, and we never really threatened again. Instead, Shaq, Kobe and Phil went on to win 3 titles in a row, holding together their shaky partnership for several years before finally falling apart.

That was obviously the turning point for our franchise, and I think Jason Quick at the Oregonian already covered that downward spiral with an excellent article some time back.

The point of all this is that I have many reasons to hate the Lakers, not least of which is that win. But what makes it even worse is having to put up with their fans. I think LA sports fans in general are pretty annoying. For the most part, they seem to have this assumption that their town has a right to be the best, and should always be winning titles. But they only seem to care about their teams when they are competing for titles. And when they are good....EVERYONE is a Lakers fan. And they tell you about it. All the time.

But when they suck? Then it's a whole other world down here. And maybe the best part about Portland winning the lottery (along with Seattle, basically) is that our pick essentially guarantees that the Blazers will be a contender for the playoffs and championships for the next decade, while the Lakers are facing the same sort of massive rebuilding project that Portland endured the last few years. The difference is that LA has almost no long-term prospects of success. They have Andrew Bynum and Kobe. That's it. Odom is a headcase who's inconsistent physically and mentally, and Luke Walton is a solid role player at most. The rest of their team are a bunch of scrubs who are lucky to be a on a NBA roster.

Obviously, Kobe is still ridiculously good. And he's still got 2-3 years of top-tier basketball in his legs. Probably. But as young as he is in reality, on the basketball court, he's getting old. He's logged a lot of minutes in a lot of games. He can't keep this up for that much longer, and by the time Bynum gets really good, Kobe will definitely be past his prime. Bynum is a talent, but still very raw. He's still a boy. A big boy, to be sure, but a boy nonetheless. Greg Oden, on the other hand, is already a beast of a man, and there will be nothing sweeter than watching him eat Bynum's lunch four times a year for the next ten years or twelve years.

So yes, that draft lottery will go down as one of the greatest days in Portland history. But at the same time, for those of us unfortunate enough to have to put up with LA fans in their natural habitat, it's going to go down as one of the best days in Los Angeles history. For us, at least.

I'm looking forward to giving the Lakers a taste of "Roy to Oden" for many, many years.

God bless the draft.

a newspaper article i found...

2007-05-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

Blazing a Championship Trail
(AP) Sunday, June 13, 2010

Portland, OR -- Thirty-three years removed from their last NBA title, and twenty-six years after they passed up Michael Jordan to take Sam Bowie with the 2nd overall pick, the Portland Trail Blazers have come full circle to win the 2009-2010 NBA Championship. This win will do much to erase the memories of heartbreaking losses and off-court incidents that have haunted Blazer fans for years. And with a young team of All-Stars entering the prime of their careers, Portland looks poised to celebrate many more such wins in the coming decade.

A Look Back:

The young Trailblazers started the season off strong, intent on building on the success of the past two years. After successive playoffs berths, Nate McMillan and his team made no secret of their desire to attain a high seed and homecourt advantage. They roared out to a 25-9 record, prompting speculation across the country as to who could slow them. However, a tough road trip just before the All-Star break brought the young team back down to earth, and only two wins out of seven games had them sitting at 27-14, and the third seed in the West at the break.

A remarkable weekend for the Portland players seemed to revive the team. After Sergio Rodriguez won the skills competition in scintillating fashion, Brandon Roy, Greg Oden and Lamarcus Aldridge led the West team past the East in a 142-121 pasting. Oden garnered MVP honors for his 24 points, 13 rebounds and 4 blocks, including several highlight-reel swats.

After the break, an energized Blazers squad started the second half much the way they began the season. Eight wins out of their first nine brought them to 35-15, and vaulted them into second place behind Dallas. Another tough road swing slowed them a bit, as they went 3-3, but winning their next five kept them just ahead of Denver in the race for the second seed. At 43-18, a mild ankle sprain to All-Star forward Lamarcus Aldridge seemed that it might slow the team. Roy responded in magnificent fashion however, picking up the scoring slack and averaging 26 points a game for the 8 games that Aldridge missed. Portland won six of those eight, and with only thirteen games left to play, Portland had a solid grip on the second seed with a record of 49-20. After Aldridge returned from injury, the Blazers won ten of their final thirteen to finish 59-23 and enter the playoffs as the second seed.

The Playoffs:

The Blazers made short work of the seventh-seeded Los Angeles Lakers. An aging Kobe Bryant managed to pull his team into the playoffs in the final weeks of the season, but he was no match for the talented young Blazers. Roy dominated Bryant on both ends of the floor, averaging 25, 8 and 8 while holding Bryant to just 18 points a game on 41% shooting on the other end. After four easy wins, the Blazers moved on to face the team that ended their run the year before, the Denver Nuggets.

This time, however, Greg Oden avoided foul trouble early in the series and dominated the front line of the Nuggets. He averaged 21 points, 15 rebounds and 5 blocks in the Blazers' first four games, as the Blazers won the first two in Portland easily before stealing one of two in Denver. Back in Portland, Carmelo Anthony shook off the tenacious defense of Roy and Richard Jefferson to explode for 41 points in a hard-fought 112-109 win for the Nuggets. This success was not to last though, and in Game 6 the Blazers closed out the series with a high-flying 124-109 win.

At the other end of the Western Conference bracket, Dallas was struggling to beat a resilient Seattle team. The Supersonics, led by All-Star Kevin Durant and former All-Star Ray Allen, stretched the series to seven games with a last-gasp three by Durant to win Game 6 in Seattle. Game 7 was a tense affair, with the two teams trading the lead for three quarters. Then disaster struck for the Mavericks early the fourth when Dirk Nowitski picked up his fifth foul attempting to slow Durant. With Nowitski on the bench for the next five minutes, Durant went wild, scoring 8 straight and 12 of Seattle's next 15, opening up a seven point lead with five minutes to play. Nowitski came back in, but it wasn't enough as Durant helped his young Sonics hold on to a two-point win.

The Western Conference Finals were a hyped affair, with fans across the country salivating over the prospect of the first two picks of the 2007 draft going head to head. But while Durant and Oden lived up to the hype, the rest of the Seattle team was lacking. Brandon Roy and the Blazers ran the Sonics ragged, winning the first three games in a row, despite Durant's 28 points and 9 rebounds per game. The Sonics managed to win Game 4, but that only made it sweeter when the Blazers raced to a 21 point half-time lead in front of the home crowd in Portland, and then cruised to an easy win in the second half. For the first time in more than a decade, the Portland Trailblazers were back in the NBA Finals.

The Finals:

In the Finals, the Blazers faced the defending champions, the Chicago Bulls. Only a year before, Ben Gordon, Luol Deng and Kirk Heinrich had led the Bulls to their first title since Michael Jordan left Chicago. They looked set to repeat as they faced a talented but much younger Portland team. For Portland, this would be a chance to avenge history, as memories of Michael Jordan's wins over Portland in the mid-nineties still lingered in the minds of Blazer fans. However, these were two entirely different teams, and the Bulls lost homecourt advantage after the Blazers shocked the overconfident champions with a Game 1 win in Chicago. Oden terrorized the Chicago front line, while Roy and Jefferson outdueled Gordon and Heinrich.

In Game 2, the Bulls came back with a hard-fought win, despite another monster game from Oden and Roy. Game 3 was another matter though, as Portland rode the home crowd to a big win. Travis Outlaw, the NBA Sixth Man of the Year, finally broke out of his playoff slump and exploded for 18 points off the bench, 14 of those in the second half. The Blazers won comfortably by a margin of 105-93.

Game 4 was not to be as easy, as a fired-up Bulls squad scratched and clawed their way to an eight point lead going into the fourth quarter. The suffocating Bulls defense held Portland to 38% shooting through three quarters. In the fourth quarter, veteran forward Richard Jefferson showed his playoff experience and hit four huge threes. This brought the Blazers within one point, and with 20 seconds left on the clock, the Blazers had the ball with a chance to win. Unsurprisingly, they went to Roy, and as he had done so many times in his short career, he calmly surveyed the defense. With five seconds to go, he split two defenders and buried a pull-up jumper at the top of the key. WIth less than a second on the clock, the Bulls never got a shot off, and the Rose Garden crowd exploded in celebration

After the game, when asked about his fourth quarter heroics, Jefferson said, "that's just what I'm here for, man. I mean, playing with Brandon [Roy] and Lamarcus [Aldridge] and Greg [Oden], you just gotta hit the shots when you get them. I'm just glad I could help." For his part, Roy simply said, "this city deserved it. I knew I wasn't gonna miss that shot."

With the entire city of Portland amped up for a potentially series-clinching win, Game 6 was a tense affair. Chicago again brought some serious defensive intensity. With its starters stifled by Chicago's defense, Portland looked to its bench. Travis Outlaw and Portland native Fred Jones responded with a combined 31 points in the first half, keeping the Blazers within three by half-time.

At the start of the second half, Sergio Rodriguez came alive, nailing two threes and dishing out two perfect lobs to Fred Jones in the span of three minutes. Instantly, the Rose Garden was rocking. The Bulls were still clinging to a one point lead, but the momentum had shifted. Finally, after being silent for most of the game, Roy and Aldridge started hitting their shots, and just before the fourth quarter, the Blazers took their first lead of the game. As the fourth quarter began, Oden's defense shut down any interior game for the Bulls, and with Heinrich, Deng and Gordon finally looking tired, the Blazers opened up an eight-point lead. With less than two minutes left, the Blazers' win was punctuated by a Roy steal and dish to Rodriguez, who lofted a picture-perfect lob to a soaring Travis Outlaw. The Bulls were clearly broken, and with only a few free throws between themselves and victory, the Blazers and their fans began the celebration.

With a final score of 103-93, the Blazers won their first NBA title in more than 30 years, and in the words of Finals MVP Brandon Roy, "We're just gettin' started, baby!"

Blazers Post Mortem

2007-05-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

Obviously this is long overdue, but I think it's worth looking back at the Blazers' 2006-2007 season. While we're still a long way from the top, I think there were a lot of positive signs, and the team seems only a piece or two away from making the jump towards the playoffs and some much-needed postseason experience.

Some of the highlights:

-- Z-Bo. Zach finally looked like the post player and leader that McMillan has been demanding the past two years. He went back to fighting for post position and hitting the boards instead of relying too heavily on his jumper, and he even tried on defense now and then.

-- Brandon Roy. Not much to say about B-Roy that hasn't already been said. He plays like a 10 year veteran. I'm always comfortable when the ball is in his hands, and his versatility is great. Whether it's at the 1, 2 or the 3, he's in complete control, and he never seems overmatched by the competition. And even though he's not a ridiculous athlete whose physical skills just jump out at you, he has a thoroughly impressive way of just getting to where he wants at any time. It's almost scary how quickly this guy has become the face of this franchise. He's the first guy since Clyde that the team and the town can truly rally around.

-- 32-50. Before this season I thought that the team would win close to 40 games. Although we fell a little short of that number, without the injuries to Zach, B-Roy and others, I think we would have been right there. Obviously it would have been nice to see us win more games, but I love the fact that the team never quit, and at least now we're in the running for one of the top two picks in the lottery. If we can get Oden or Durant I might literally crap myself in pure joy. But even without one of those two, it seems like we're a lock to pick up Corey Brewer, and I think he'd be a fantastic addition. I wasn't entirely sold on him before the NCAA Tourney, but he really stepped it up and proved he's got range and guts to go along with his defense and athleticism. He's going to make a great 3 guard, and he can make an instant impact in our line-up.

-- Sergio Magnifico. Sergio showed flashes of brilliance at times, but I'm not completely convinced he can sustain that for an entire game, let alone a season. I know Jarret Jack seemed to lose confidence at times, and was also a little inconsistent, but it's important to remember just how young these guys are. It's a lot easier for Sergio to come in with the run-and-gun line-up and look really good in short bursts than it is to run the team for a whole game like Jack does. Obviously, we're going to have to make a choice about who we want running the point, but I think JJ has got to stay in the starting spot for now. Maybe after another year Sergio will be ready for full-time responsibilities, but he's not there yet. Still, the thought of him running up and down the court throwing sick no-look passes to LaMa, Roy and Brewer (or maybe even Durant??!!) is enough to get me ready to start the "Spanish Chocolate" chants.

--LaMa. Without injuries cutting into this guy's playing time, it might have been a closer race for Rookie of the Year. And if Nate hadn't been trying to sell the league on Jamal Magloire, we might have known how good LaMarcus was earlier in the season. I didn't think Aldridge was going to be this good when he came out of school, but man I am stoked on this guy. He's got great hands, a nose for offensive rebounds, disgusting length, and a sweet jumper. A little more bulk and he'll be owning the paint for years to come. Between Roy, Aldridge and Sergio, this might turn out to be the best draft class we've ever had.

Nonetheless, as exciting as this season was, it wasn't all roses. There were definitely some black clouds hanging over the year, and going into the offseason, there are still some question marks.

-- Z-Bo. The strip club??!! Sometimes I honestly wonder about Zach. I love his effort on the floor, and he's got all the desire in the world, but he can still be a world-class idiot. Not to mention that he's a black hole in the post. He's gotten a little bit better at passing out of double-teams, especially now that he knows B-Roy is out there with him, but I really don't know if he's going to be a part of this team's future. Especially if we want to go up-tempo with Roy, Sergio & LaMa.

-- Darius Miles. Although I tried my best to forget this guy is still on the team, just knowing that he is still (technically) a Blazer makes me sick. I'm scared that he's going to get healthy (if a cancer can ever be "healthy") and start hanging around the team again. The sooner we unload him, the better. The only problem is, who the hell wants him? Even Isaiah Thomas wouldn't trade for him at this point, so who knows what's going to happen.

-- Jamal Magoire. Yes, the Big Cat is a professional. He works hard, fouls hard, plays hard. I understand all that. But honestly, I was ready to kick Nate in the junk for playing this guy so much. He's just TERRIBLE. I mean, he can't rebound, he can't run, he can't shoot free throws. The only things he's good at are palming the ball and making hard retaliation fouls. And he's got a ridiculously inflated opinion of his own worth.

-- Joel Przybilla, the Vanilla Gorilla. I'm not sure what happened to him, but the honest truth is that even when he was healthy, he looked bad. This was not what I expected when we got him signed, and I hope he can pull it back together. Without a healthy Gorilla running up and down the court, our best back-up at center is Magloire. And that's not a good sign.

Final Verdict:

It was a good year. Not great, but there were a ton of good signs. No matter what pick we get in the draft, I think we're looking solid for next year. At this point, our biggest need is experience. If we get Brewer, I think we'll be set, and if we get Durant or Oden??? Like I said, it'll be brown-pants time.

Prediction for 2007-2008:

Without Durant/Oden: 40-42, with a first round loss to the number one seed.
With Durant/Oden: 44-38, with a first round loss to the number three seed.

Wow...

2007-04-25T22:08:00.000-07:00

...it's been a long time since I posted. Of course, that doesn't really mean much, since all three of my readers stopped reading a long while back, but it's been a long time nonetheless. As this post is mostly a way of encouraging myself to write a bit more again, I'm just going to lay out a few points I hope to hit here in the next few days.

-- Blazers' season post-mortem
-- Beavs' football offseason and upcoming season preview
-- Recent flurry of big-name signings in the MLS

Of course, sometime during this ambitious writingregimen I need to schedule some time to study for my finals, but hey...law school can wait, right?

(Oppy's note: just looked at the date on the last post and realized it was over a year between posts. When I slack off, I slack off.)

The Bradbury Chronicles

2006-04-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

I recently finished The Bradbury Chronicles, Sam Weller's biography of Ray Bradbury. It is the first authorized biography of this giant of American letters, and the book definitely benefits from the author's in-depth access to Bradbury and his family and friends. Sam Weller is clearly a huge fan of his subject, and he is very up front about that fact in his book. Although this adoring tone can get a little old at times, for the most part the book is a gripping, well-written account of the life of an incredible writer.

This biography reminded me of just how much I've always loved Ray Bradbury's writing style, and with the summer just around the corner, it seems a perfect time to re-read some of his classics. It also brought my attention to many Bradbury stories and books that I've never read, and I'm excited to pick them up.

However, as much as I love Ray Bradbury the writer, this book made me dislike Ray Bardbury the man. It's hard to separate the two, but throughout this biography I found myself shocked by how arrogant and petulant Bradbury seems. And Sam Weller is more than happy to encourage this attitude. Any time that someone didn't get along with Bradbury, or critics found flaws in his work, Weller acknowledges these issues, and then proceeds to make it clear that Bradbury is unquestionably correct. And to be honest, that approach is justified a lot of the time. But the problem with being told how great an author is over and over and over again is that eventually it really gets on your nerves.

Part of the reason I generally avoid biographies of my favorite artists is that they invariably disappoint me in some way. I prefer to let their work speak for them. My experience shows that truly brilliant artists, just like anyone else, tend to be balanced individuals. If they excel in one way, they are often seriously flawed in another. I think that is why so many great artists struggle with depression. They often lack the social skills that would allow them to coexist happily with others.

I think that Orson Scott Card sums it up very well on his website:

The only serious drawback in this book is the way that Bradbury's vanity is inadvertently revealed. While Weller does not exactly gush, he clearly believes that Bradbury is a "genius" and his tone is well over the line into worshipfulness.

One of the tragedies of our celebrity worship is that some "geniuses" are aware of the difference between how they are assessed by the public and what they actually deserve, and it gnaws at them; while others are blissfully unaware of any difference, and they embrace the worship of others. Bradbury seems to be in the latter category, which I suppose makes him much happier than the former sort.

'Tis but a quibble. Bradbury is the real thing: a great writer.

Word. And as a writer, Ray Bradbury is truly one of my all-time favorites.

Gospel of Judas

2006-04-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

Although word of the lost Gospel of Judas was first heard in the 1970's, and the actual document itself surfaced in 1983, it won't be until April 9, 2006 that we finally learn about the history and contents of this piece of scripture.

National Geographic is doing a show on the 9th that will be all about the history and restoration of this ancient piece of writing, and will include details about the story it tells. It's said to contain a completel different view of Judas Iscariot and his role in Jesus' death. However, there are some experts who aren't quite sold on this document, so I've included a couple of links to articles written recently on the subject. It's pretty interesting stuff. I can't wait to see the show, as well as the reaction that it's certain to cause.

http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/0307/p01s02-lire.html

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2006-03-02-gospel-of-judas_x.htm

city of books

2006-03-28T14:11:00.000-08:00

As anyone that's ever been to Portland knows, Powell's Books is an amazing place. It's the largest used and new bookstore in the world, and you could easily spend days wandering the place without ever seeing everything it has to offer. For anyone with the slightest interest in books, or even no interest at all, it's not to be missed.

Having grown up Portland, I've always loved Powell's, and it's been a pleasure to see it thrive over the years. It's not often that such a large independent retailer can thrive in an industry dominated by big chains, but it has more than held its own. And more than being just a bookstore, Powell's is also a cultural landmark in the city of Portland. It's the type of place that locals always show to visitors, and it does a great job of tapping into the vibrant artistic environment in the city.

It's absolutely essential for the city that Powell's continue to play a role in the development of Downtown Portland and the Pearl District, and it's good to see that the owner is already planning for the future. Hopefuly, the strong management and unique vision that have made the store such a success will continue to guide it as it grows along with its surroundings.

Tab Benoit

2006-03-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

If you've never heard of Tab Benoit or listened to any of his music, do yourself a favor and check him out. You can purchase CD's directly from his site (which, admittedly, is not the most technologically advanced), and I don't think you can go wrong with any of them. My personal favorites are Nice And Warm, his first album, and Swampland Jam and The Sea Saint Sessions, two amazing live albums.

Tab's brand of Louisiana Bayou blues sounds great on his studio albums, but it really shines in his live performances. I saw him last month at Cafe Boogaloo, a great little New Orleans - style blues bar in Hermosa Beach, and like every other time I've seen him, I came away absolutely floored by the show. The guy rocks out for three solid hours, and as the singer and guitarist on all the songs, he is carrying the show from start to finish. He's got great presence and a wonderful voice, and is easily the best guitarist I've ever seen live. His style of blues is very upbeat (most of the time - he has slower, more traditional songs, too) and is great for dancing. If you enjoy the blues at all, or even if you don't, you will absolutely NOT regret picking up any of his albums or catching his next show.

For anyone in Southern California, he plays at Cafe Boogaloo three or four times a year, so you might want to check out their calendar. It's pretty cheap to get in, about 15-20 dollars for his shows, about 5-10 for pretty much anyone else. The place has good food, so it's worth picking up dinner and then sticking around for the show.

Mark Cuban 9, Phil Jackson 1

2006-02-09T13:01:00.000-08:00

You might think that slavery is illegal in the United States nowadays. Not according to Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks. Check out the following excerpt from his blog:

"I own Phil Jackson. Not literally of course. That thrill belongs to the smartest businesswoman in professional sports, Jeannie Buss. Figuratively however, the coach formerly known as the Zen Master must now be considered my bucket boy.

This wasn't an acquisition I proactively pursued. There wasn't an official competition that I won, thereby confirming my dominance of his psyche. Instead Phil has initiated an ongoing commentary about me that started in his previous stint with the Lakers and was reinstated this year with his return, that proves I own the guy.

For whatever reason, I have gotten to Phil so completely and thoroughly that every time he comes to Dallas he has to offer unsolicited comments about me to the media. I wonder if he dreams about me the nights he spends here in Dallas. Ok, I don't wonder. I'm curious about it.

How can the NBA coach with so many championship rings find me so intimidating? I really don't know, but he said as much in December when he called me an 'intimidating force' to the LA Times:

'Consider a place like Dallas, where the owner runs around, pumps up the volume, intimidates the referees and ... has announcers as hired cheerleaders, which is an intimidating force.'

Then of course last night he again took the initiative to comment to the media about how I am such a presence in the NBA that I turn the officials into 'nervous nellies.' Implying that I can have more influence on the outcome of a game than his coaching skills. I wish. But if Phil wants to this so, I'm fine with that. That's what happens when you own someone, they can't get you out of their head, and they don't often think, speak or act rationally.

I guess Phil was so overwhelmed that it caused him to take back-to-back delay of game penalties and the technical foul that comes with it, rather than send his team out to the court at the conclusion of a timeout in the 4th quarter. "

Awesome.

step into the Octagon

2006-02-08T15:14:00.000-08:00

Seriously, how bad-ass is this octopus?

This brings back fond memories of Animal Face-Off. I still think that show would have been better if they let real animals go at it. But hey, that's just me. Maybe it would have pissed some people off.

Maybe.

a letter of apology

2006-02-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

To The Unfortunate Soul Who Used The Bathroom After Me Today:

I apologize. As my co-worker, you deserve a better reception than the one you received this morning. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. You deserve a peaceful environment in which to conduct your business. But alas, that was not meant to be. I never meant for this to happen, but it did. I thought I had better control of my stomach. I've always thought that I lead and my gastrointestinal organs follow. But I learned differently today. Clearly, all is not right in my world. Nonetheless, that is no excuse. The smell that awaited you this morning was atrocious; I admit that. I fully understand that an odor like that does not belong indoors. Or outdoors, really. In fact, there's a good chance that Hazmat has already been called, and if that is indeed the case, I hope you've left the bathroom by now.

I would also like to apologize for telling everyone in the office that you were in the bathroom for "an awful long time this morning." And for snickering and pointing every time I walked by. I'm sure you were busy trying to clean up the vomit that was the inevitable response to such a memorable smell, but I thought that it might be a good idea to shift the blame a little bit. If anyone realized that I was the one responsible for that putrid fog creeping out from under the door, well . . . let's just say "better you than me." I can only say that an evening of football, beer, bratwursts, chili, spinach dip, ham dip, guacamole, chips, soda, ice cream, cupcakes, brownies and water don't mix as well as you might think. It's no excuse, but hey, it's all I have. Thanks for understanding.

Sincerely,

Your Unnamed Coworker

Super Bowl XL

2006-02-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

This was easily one of the worst Super Bowls I've ever watched.

I know a lot of people were complaining beforehand that Pittsburgh and Seattle are boring teams that no one but their fans care about, but I really thought there was a lot of potential for a good game. I never thought that Seattle had a chance of winning it, simply because I'm from the Pacific Northwest, and I know that no team from Oregon or Washington has a chance of taking care of business when it matters. The Trailblazers, the Supersonics, the Seahawks; they all kill their fans when it counts, and I never had any illusions that this would be any different. Still, I expected the game to be decent to watch. I figured that at least Pittsburgh would look good while they crushed the Seahawks' fans hopes and dreams, but unfortunately, they didn't.

I'm not sure why Bill Cowher decided to switch things up, but for some reason, the Steelers came out running. A lot. I know that Pittsburgh has been known as a running-oriented team for the past few years, but their success over the second half of this season and the playoffs came when they decided to open up the playbook and start each game with Big Ben throwing the mid-range passes. It helped set up the run, and it got Roethlisberger into a rhythm. In this game, they never got their timing going early on, and all of Big Ben's early passes seemed to come when he was forced out of the pocket or on little dink-and-dunk throws. After a stellar postseason, the young Steeler QB looked pretty bad in the biggest game of the season. I'm sure a lot of that can be attributed to nerves, but I think the poor play calling early on didn't help.

And although Seattle only put up 10 points, that had more to do with the Seahawks inability to convert than it did with the Steelers' defense. Troy Polamalu and Jerry Porter were pretty much non-factors in the game, mainly because Pittsburgh stopped doing what it has done so well all year -- blitz. They blitzed their way past the Bengals, Colts and Broncos, but they dceided to rush four guys for most of the game and let Matt Hasselbeck have a ton of time. Of course, being a Seahawk, he didn't really do much with all that time, but he could have.

All in all, neither team looked good. There were only one or two exciting plays in the whole game, and even some of the biggest plays, like Willie Parker's long touchdown run, were pretty boring. He basically hit the hole, broke maybe one tackle, and went untouched in the end zone. Sweet. Still, no matter how boring or bad the Steelers might have played, any real Northwest fan knew what was coming before Super Bowl XL ever started. I knew the Seahawks never had a chance, but I hoped that they might look decent while they lost.

I'm not sorry that one is behind us, and I'm already trying to forget it. Here's to next year's matchup . . . Bengals vs. Bears!!!

Adam and Eve and the Snake

2006-02-03T11:06:00.000-08:00

Wow. Talk about a book that's bound to be banned from every school in Texas. And probably a bunch of other states, too.

The Garden, by Elise Aidinoff, details the Garden of Eden story from the perspective of Eve. And let's just say that this version of Genesis portrays Eve as a little more . . . comfortable . . . with the Snake than she is with Adam.

The Guardian has an interesting look at Aidinoff and her book. I'm amazed that this book was even published, but I guess I shouldn't be too surprised by the publishing industry's willingness to support controversial books. Still, I have a hard time seeing how a "young adult" book like this has any chance at reaching the kids it's aimed at -- those brought up by Christian families and are familiar with this biblical tale. It will be interesting to see how this plays out in the coming year.

2006-02-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

This review of Chuck Norris new book The Justice Riders clearly does not recognize Norris' authorial genius. For example:

"I don't think I'll ever be able to forget those awful sights of human bodies being torn apart by close-range musket shots, the thunderous roar of so many cannons, and the smells - the awful stench of blood and death all around us; wave after wave of the Rebels pouring over those breastworks at the Carter's place, and men dying on top of one another, both blue and gray uniforms."

How could lines like that get a bad review?

Honestly.

the people's library

2006-02-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

Due to recent problems with Washington politicians and staff members editing entries about themselves, Wikipedia has banned all Capitol Hill computers from the editing process.

See NPR for more details.

don't mess with Texas

2006-01-31T12:58:00.000-08:00

For those of you that haven't read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon, I highly recommend it. It's a great book, and it features one of the most unique characters you'll come across in contemporary fiction. It's definitely worth your time.

Unless you live in Galveston, Texas.

If that's the case, then I give you the immortal words of Galveston City Council Member Chris Peden. And of course, don't let the fact that he didn't actually read the book deter you from taking his advice.

“A lot of liberal do-gooders say we should take the book in its entirety . . . that’s like saying a man is a great deacon at his church, a great Little League coach, a great provider for his family, but he beats his wife. That is not a good man. The firestorm is all the liberal pacifists who are trying to make us out to be book burning, goose-stepping Nazis. That’s not the case at all. There are plenty of books without profanity we could promote.”

The only thing I could understand from that quote was that they're not Nazis. And he's right. This is a Nazi.

How bout that 'stache?

1,000 days at sea

2006-01-29T11:20:00.000-08:00

Reading crazy-man Reid Stowe's plan to sail the open seas for 1,000 days without stopping, refueling or touching land definitely makes me feel like a bit of a sissy. I don't think I could make it for 100 days without human contact or being able to leave the confines of a freakin' boat, let alone 1,000!! This guy has some serious stones to even think about such a thing, and at the same time, there's something about his plan that makes you wonder . . . what would it be like to just leave everything behind?

It's a great piece of journalism, and it's definitely worth a read.

50 Most Loathsome People of 2005

2006-01-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a little while since I posted about a list, but this one is too good to pass up. The Buffalo Beast's "50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005" is pretty entertaining. A couple of my favorite examples:

33. Johnny Damon

Charges: Any baseball player with highlights in his hair should be faced with the same penalty system applied to those using performance-enhancing steroids. It’s ruining the game. And if a ball player is going to grow a beard, it should be a Charlie Manson/Thurman Munson scraggle of bushy whiskers, not a neatly manicured and softly conditioned frame for your pretty face. The only thing that got Damon to step into line and quit hair-farming was a 52 million dollar check from the New York Yankees. Boston prayed for the multi-bladed Gillette that officially made him a Yankee to slip while gliding over his Adam’s apple and spill his lifeblood into the bathroom sink.

Exhibit A: Going from the Red Sox to the Yankees is like fucking the guy that murdered your husband.

Sentence: Killed by barrage of hurled D cell batteries when he takes the field at Fenway next season.

AND...

16. R Kelly

Charges: As if videotaping himself urinating on an underage girl wasn’t bad enough, Kelly decided to follow up by inflicting the worst piece of music in American history upon the public consciousness. Kelly claims he is a genius for squeezing out what are so far 12 installments of his “hip hopera,” “Trapped in the Closet” like so many virtually identical turds, with no variation in musical content and a story line so patently terrible that it soon became the subject of a parody-frenzy involving Saturday Night Live, South Park, Mad TV, Jimmy Kimmel, and the Upright Citizens brigade, among many others. Even his good songs all seem to be about fucking underage girls.

Exhibit A: Seriously—pissing on an underage girl.

Sentence: Trapped in a closet. Eventually dies of thirst.

proving once again why he is AWESOME

2006-01-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

"I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts. "
~ Chuck Norris

reading schedule

2006-01-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

I have a problem when it comes to buying books. I can't walk into a bookstore (or even Target or Costco, anymore) without walking out with a new book. Now this may not seem like a big deal, since I love to buy books, and they look good on my shelves, but it keeps me from reading the books that I buy in a timely manner.

See, when I buy a new book, it automatically takes my attention from the last new book I bought. So even though I might be excited about getting a new book, the 3 or 4 books I buy right after that distract me from it. So, in an effort to actually read these books that I buy, and to stop jumping from one randomly-chosen book to another, I'm going to create a reading shecdule that I will follow. I hope.

I'll start with 5 books, beacuse I don't want to get too ambititious. I've always loved the short time between books when I can look at my bookshelves and ask myself, what should I read next? So I don't want to schedule too many books, but 5 seems like a good round number to start with. Here goes:

1. The Shadow Rising by Robert Jordan -- I'm already 200 pages into this book, so I might as well start with it.

2. The Hound of the Baskervilles by Arthur Conan Doyle -- I want to read some of the Sherlock Holmes stories, and this is supposed to be one of the best.

3. The Final Solution by Michael Chabon -- I know I just read this, but I'm really curious to read it after finishing a Sherlock Holmes story. Plus, it's only 120-some pages, so it shouldn't take long.

4. The Fires of Heaven by Robert Jordan -- Next book in The Wheel of Time series. I don't want to go too long between books, since I'm trying to get caught up for the most recent one.

5. Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman -- I got this book for Christmas, I've been really excited about it, but somehow I keep getting distracted from it. No mas!

Now I actually have to follow my schedule.

And not buy new books.

In fact...

2006-01-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

Going along with my previous post, I'd like to recommend Grumpy Old Bookman as a excellent blog for those interested in books or the literary world. I like the fact that he pulls no punches, which makes his positive reviews all the more meaningful.

Along with Powell's blog (which has become daily reading material), I've found myself checking GOB more and more, so I've decided to update my (very) limited links section and add a couple new names to the list. Check them out the next time you have some time to kill.

The Final Solution by Michael Chabon

2006-01-17T12:30:00.000-08:00

I had been intrigued by the premise of Michael Chabon's The Final Solution for some time, but it wasn't until I read this review at Grumpy Old Bookman that I got really interested in reading it. I had read and enjoyed The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, and I've had Wonder Boys sitting on my shelf for the last year now, but when I saw The Final Solution in Borders this weekend, I had to pick it up. The idea of an 89-year-old Sherlock Holmes coming out retirement to solve a mysterious crime was just too good to pass up.

And though I've been wanting to read Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories for a long time, I'd never been able to work up the enthusiasm to go out and get the books. Holmes is one of those legendary characters of literature that it seems everyone knows, but it wasn't until I read Chabon's little tale that I felt a real excitement about reading Doyle's detective stories. I'm looking forward to experiencing the Sherlock Holmes phenomenon for myself, and I plan on revisiting The Final Solution once I've read a few of Doyle's works. If I enjoyed it that much without really understanding all the allusions and references, I imagine it'll be even better once I do.

If you're curious about the premise of The Final Solution, or are looking for a good review of it, check out Grumpy Old Bookman. His review is linked above.

Larry King transcript

2006-01-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

Here's the transcript from Larry King Live, with James Frey as the guest. I don't really have much more to say about this guy, other than that I think he's a bullshit artist who has set himself up for a bestselling career of "fiction" from here on out. His whole argument on the show seemed to be that it's a "very small portion of the book that is being disputed," so what's the big deal?

I guess the fact that millions of readers bought his "memoir" with the implicit understanding that the main character is actually a real-life person whose actions are realistically portrayed in the "story" isn't a big deal.

On a side note, for those that are interested, I'm looking to publish a short work of non-fiction detailing my experiences last night. I got good and loaded on Colt 45, mixed in large amounts of horse tranquilizers, went out and stole a cop car for a little joyride, and then gave myself a DUI.

Cuz that's how I roll.

a million little pieces . . . of bullshit?

2006-01-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

For all you charter members of Oprah's Book Club, here's a couple of stories on James Frey, the author of A Million Little Pieces. The newest addition to Oprah's hallowed club has been touted as "a riveting tale of real-life horseshit"(1) and "an amazing addition to the steaming piles of donkey feces that have become so popular of late"(2).

This is a good example of someone trying to sell his annoying, self-pitying memoir to the American public because he's too scared to write fiction that is acknowledged as such. No one would read Frey's work if it was "fiction" beacuse then it would just be melodramatic crap. But if it really happened . . . why the hell not? Oprah likes it!

(1) Me
(2) Me

Robert Jordan v. George R.R. Martin

2006-01-09T13:21:00.000-08:00

The title of this post is a little misleading, as I don't intend to do a full-scale comparison between these two authors. Although they are both authors of very long and detailed epic fantasy series, there are many differences in their respective styles and sub-genres. Though both writers' most well-known works, Jordan's The Wheel of Time and Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire, are both hugely popular fantasy series, the two authors have very distinct voices and explore different themes in their works. Mainly, the title of this post merely reflects the automatic connection I make between two writer's whose work has occupied so much of my time.

However, just for the record, I hold A Song of Ice and Fire to be far superior to Jordan's epic, as The Wheel of Time has become a little too bloated and bogged down for my taste. Still, as I have recently finished Martin's latest book, and would like to read Robert Jordan's newest entry in his series (once I finish re-reading the previous books), both stories are fresh in my mind.

Since I'm currently in the middle of re-reading The Wheel of Time, I'll concentrate (briefly) on Robert Jordan.

Having not read these books in years, all I remember is how frustrated and disappointed I had been with the last few books in the series.The first 5 or 6 books in the series were so good, so engrossing, that the decline of Jordan's storytelling in the latter books was a huge disappointment. When The Knife of Dreams, the supposedly penultimate book in the series, came out to fairly positive reviews, I let my hopes rise up a bit. I decided to bring myself back up to speed by starting at the beginning. And I have to say, the beginning is really, really good.

I'd forgotten what a great job Jordan does of creating a vibrant, detailed world with incredible amounts of backstory. Much like Martin, he litters his story with little nuggets of history and backstory that are as intriguing as the present storyline. In fact, although he admitted that the first book in The Wheel of Time was intended to have a "Tolkienesque" feel to it, I am surprised at how closely his story mirrors many elements of the Lord of the Rings. At first.

What's impressive is that he does such a good job of peopling his world and writing his story in such a way that it feels fresh and interesting despite the intentional parallels with Tolkien's work. By the time the second book begins, you quicky realize that this story cannot be told in three or four volumes, but will take much, much longer. And that is both a blessing and a curse.

It is a blessing because Jordan takes the time to develop his characters and storylines, while continuing to introduce mysterious subplots. He has an amazing ability to casually drop tiny hints of what's to come early in his story, which the reader doesn't recognize until two or three books later and goes "Holy Shit! That's what that was!" He has so many plotlines spinning at once that at times, the reader feels as confused and overwhelmed as the heroes of his tales. Going back over the series after such a long break from it, but still remembering the many twists and revelations, has really made me appreciate the incredible scope of his many plots within plots.

Unfortunately, this same breadth of information and storytelling is what leads the series to its eventual crawl of a pace.

For the moment, however, I'm still lost in the early pages of this epic adventure, and I'm enjoying the chance to revisit Jordan's world. Hopefully, any frustration I feel later on will be tempered by a return to his original storytelling form in The Knife of Dreams. Until then, though, I'm just enjoying the ride.

Maybe after I read a few more of the books, I'll feel frustrated/excited/irritated/stoked enough to look at a few of the differences between these two epics in more detail.

Maybe.

don't f*** with Chuck

2006-01-06T17:00:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, the recent Chuck Norris craze has struck with such force that the Los Angeles Times has an article on it. Not only that, but I found out some more important facts about Chuck. But rather than tell you all of them, I'll simply liste a couple of my new favorites. The rest can be found at the Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator.

God bless you, Chuck.

And in case you didn't know . . .

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Mike Williams for MVP

2006-01-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

January 4th is upon us, and you know what that means . . . that's right, it's time for the Granddaddy of Them All! It's Rose Bowl time, suckas.

My prediction, even though I really have no clue about either of these teams due to the total lack of media coverage, is that USC beats Texas in an epic shoot-out. Final score: 7-6.

USC scores a field goal and two safeties in the final quarter to pull off the upset. The Trojans overcome the loss of Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart to freak toe-fungus related injuries, and in a surprise move of WWE proportions, they bring back Mike Williams to play quarterback. Thanks to some little-known NCAA regulations, he gets another year of college elgibility due to the change of position and his freakishly large hands. He leads them on a 87-yard drive in the waning minutes of the game for the winning field-goal. He kicks it himself.

Congrats, USC.

welcome to 2006

2006-01-03T13:53:00.000-08:00

It's a new year. I'm back in Los Angeles. I should have more to say, but I'm still tired from my vacation. Ironic, huh?

Once I get settled back in (ie. watch the Rose Bowl), I'll probably try to get back to the consistent posting. Until then . . . peace.

a few more

2005-12-22T11:47:00.000-08:00

You know, I tried to keep my list of holiday recommendations fairly short yesterday, so I didn't spend very long on it. And of course, while I was trying to think of books, they didn't really come to me, and now that I'm trying to work on other stuff, random books keep popping into my head.

So this is an addendum to my earlier list. Just a couple more books that I think are worth examining. Enjoy.

Skipped Parts
By Tim Sandlin
--It's hard to describe this book because Sandlin puts together such an absurd cast of characters and storylines. But he manages to make it crazy enough that it's believable.

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay
By Michael Chabon
--To be honest, it's been too long since I read this for me to write a two-line blurb on it, but I do remember that I really, really liked it. It's got some comic book stuff in it, too. And Nazis.

law school

2005-12-22T10:10:00.000-08:00

It's official:

I'm going to law school.

I got my first (and hopefully, not last) Letter of Acceptance yesterday. The University of San Diego "is pleased to offer me admission into its law school." And even though USD isn't one of my top choices, it's still a pretty great feeling knowing that I have at least one option now.

Now I get to sit back and wait for more responses. Hopefully, the rest are as pleasant as the first.

holiday down time

2005-12-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

Because I'm such a fan of lists, and because I haven't posted any recommendations or lists in a while, I'm going to do everyone a favor and post a list of books and movies for people with a little more free time than usual over the holidays. This is an extremely random collection; in fact, I hadn't thought about what I would include until I came up with the idea to make the list about 53 seconds ago. That's my disclaimer.

But since we all might have some time over the next week or two that we wouldn't normally have, here are some ways to take a break from the family.

Books

The Martian Chronicles & Something Wicked This Way Comes
By Ray Bradbury
--Both books are great, but Martian Chronicles is easier to read a little at a time.

Chronicle of A Death Foretold
By Gabriel Garcia Marquez
--It's less than 100 pages long, so it's a very quick read. A good intro to his work, though.

A Game of Thrones
George R.R. Martin
--If you can get past the fact that this is "fantasy," it will blow your mind. The first volume of what's shaping up to be one of the best works of epic storytelling ever. Ever.

Tortilla Flat
John Steinbeck
--Hilarious accounts of Steinbeck's paisanos. Will make you want to drink cheap boxed wine (if you're not already doing so)

The Eyre Affair
By Jasper Fforde
--A fun, light-hearted book. Kind of like Harry Potter for book-loving adults.

American Gods
By Neil Gaiman
--The only book of his that I've read, but it's worth every bit of praise it's received. An interesting look at what happens to religion when it becomes mythology.

Movies

I don't feel like writing little explanations for all these, so you can check them out for yourself. I love all these movies though, and I think they are all worth a look. Enjoy.

Ed TV

Kung Fu Hustle

A Christmas Story

Nueve Reinas (Nine Queens)

Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story

Total Recall

pass the chronic(WHAT?)

2005-12-21T11:20:00.000-08:00

If you didn't catch Saturday Night Live this last Saturday, then you missed their funniest skit in years.

Check out this amazing Chronicles of Narnia rap video.

the one that got away

2005-12-21T11:04:00.000-08:00

Normally, I wouldn't recommend anything that John Canzano wrote as worth reading. I usually find his stuff to be annoying and off the mark, which might be what he intends. But in this case, his article in the Oregonian was pretty much spot on.

Mike Riley is a decent coach. At best. He will continue to give us 6-5 seasons, 7-4 seasons, with the occasional 8-4 mixed in. But that's it. He'll never take OSU football to the next level. But someone like Dan Hawkins could have done that for our program, and unfortunately, we're now watching him head to Colorado. We had one of the best coaches in the country working in our backyard, and we let him slip away. And while he's in Boulder, working wonders with their offense, we'll be watching Riley call for 2 yard dives up the middle play after play.

Sweet.

Chuck Norris isn't human

2005-12-20T13:19:00.000-08:00

Here are a few things about Chuck Norris that you may not know. I can't claim credit for this list; I've merely compiled it. I encourage you all to share any other stories or facts about Chuck that are not already included here. I've highlighted a few of my personal favorites.

If you think the following statements are ridiculous or untrue, you're wrong. And if Chuck Norris isn't already your hero, he should be.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. All three later died of roundhouse kick related wounds.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paperclips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

what a guy

2005-12-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who thinks Philip Roth takes himself a little too seriously?

I've never read any of his stuff, but this interview doesn't exactly make me want to rush out and buy his books. I know he's a Great Writer and all, but . . . how do you spell "douche"?

new kid on the block

2005-12-16T16:03:00.000-08:00

A new site went up recently that's pretty cool. It's basically a blog on blogs, if that makes any sense. Metaxu Cafe focuses on literary blogs, or any blogs about books or related subjects, and provides a daily selection of quotes, topics, highlights and excerpts from the 100+ blogs that are affiliated with it. It's pretty comprehensive, and it works really well for those of us that don't have the time to check 30-odd sites a day to see what's out there in the book world.

In fact, in an effort to remind myself that I started this blog with the intention of providing the occasional book review, recommendation, etc., I even applied to have my blog registered on their list. Of course, they may very well deny it on the grounds that I wrote an analysis of Risk versus Stratego, but hey...whatcha gonna do?

Maybe I'll start writing about books again. I just finished A Feast for Crows, so that might be my next topic. We'll see.

does Z-Bo gotta go?

2005-12-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

I hate to even start down this path, but maybe the time has come to ask the question: do the Blazers need to get rid of Zach Randolph?

We all know that he's got loads of talent. When he wants to, he can dominate a game from inside and out. He's always had great hands around the basket, and this season he's shown an increased ability to knock down jumpers from outside the paint. And though the Oregonian's Jason Quick wonders if his newfound love of the jumper is the problem, I think it's something else. It's his attitude.

We had this same problem with Sheed just a few years back. When he wanted to, he could post up guys down low and kill anyone that tried to guard him. The problem was that he rarely tried to go into the paint and dominate. He wanted to float out around the three point line and take jumpers. No amount of coaxing or cajoling from Dunleavy, Cheeks, or anyone else could make him do something he didn't want to do.

Randolph is the same way. He won't listen to his coach. He wouldn't listen to Cheeks, and now he's not listening to McMillan. He's not playing to win, or to help the team. He's playing to get his numbers, and right now, the easiest way for him to do that is to set up shop outside the key and take jumpers. And once again, the problem stems from his attitude. He's not willing to fight for position and points down low because he doesn't have to. He got his max contract. Why work so hard now, especially with a suspect knee?

I think his response to the question of whether he wants to be in Portland says it all:

"They pay me a lotta money."

The real question is:

Should we?

already missing Mike Hass

2005-12-13T11:41:00.000-08:00

It's going to be a sad day when the Beavers take the field next year without Mike Hass. He went from walk-on to All-American, and in the process, rewrote the OSU record books. I couldn't be happier that he was recognized for his achievements with a spot on the AP All-American 1st Team and with the Blietnikoff Award, and it's going to be impossible to replace him.

I can't wait to see him succeed at the next level. Maybe Cincy can grab him and he can join the rest of the Oregon State Bengals.

america's world cup chances

2005-12-12T11:04:00.000-08:00

ESPN's Soccernet has a really good article by Ives Galarcep (no, I don't have any idea where that name is from, either) about the opportunity that the U.S. soccer team has in the upcoming World Cup. He makes a lot of good points that many of our so-called soccer analysts have missed.

Although they the U.S. did land in a brutal group, I think there are some advantages to playing such tough competition early on. First, everyone is downplaying their chances to advance to the second round, and now they can play the underdog card. Second, it's better to go up against strong teams and be tested, and possibly fail to advance, than to play in a weak group and fall flat on their faces because they were overconfident. I would rather see our team get knocked out of the tournament by the likes of Italy or the Czechs than see us fail to take advantage of a group with Angola or Iran (*cough*mexico*cough*). Also, if we really want to win the World Cup or be taken seriously internationally, we have to beat the best the rest of the world has to offer. Playing top-flight teams like Italy and (dare we hope?) Brazil will show us how far we've come, or how far we have yet to go.

The world futbol community may not want to admit it, but the U.S. national team is a far cry from the team that finished dead last in the 1998 World Cup. Our team has taken advantage of the vast resources and talent that this country has to offer, and it's time for traditional soccer superpowers like Italy to find out about our improvement the hard way.

world cup draw

2005-12-09T14:52:00.000-08:00

It's official, folks...the World Cup is ready to go!!!

For those who didn't have the pleasure of following it live, you can check out the results of the 2006 FIFA World Cup draw here. ESPN also has a cool printable version.

It looks like there are two possible "Groups of Death" this time around. The U.S.A got a brutal draw, and is stuck with Italy, the Czech Republic and Ghana in Group E. All three of those teams are capable of handling the Americans, and we'll have to be both good AND lucky to make it out of the group stage. Unfortunately, a second place finish in our group (which we would be lucky to grab) would most likely see us come up against Brazil. Ouch.

The other Group of Death has to be Group C. Argentina, Netherlands, Ivory Coast and Serbia & Montenegro all face off in the first round. Argentina and the Dutch are both good enough to come out of their group and go far, but they have a very tough group, probably the toughest all-around in the tournament. The winner of the group will have it a little easier once past the group stage, though, as they'll likely face either Mexico or Portugal. Both are good teams, but not overly intimidating. Argentina should be pretty motivated to avoid another first-round exit, and I think they'll make it into the round of 16. It's very possible that they don't win the group, but even if they finish second, I don't think Mexico or Portugal will stop them. They've already beaten Mexico once this year, albeit in a close-fought game decided by penalty kicks, and they have too much talent for Portugal.

On the other side of the bracket, Brazil managed to come away with a pretty easy draw once again. They should have little trouble dispatching Croatia, Japan or Australia, and they might only be slowed down by a potential meeting with Italy in the second or third round. Though it would be pretty amazing if the U.S. managed to take down the champs in the second round!

Of all the seeded teams, Germany and France got easily the weakest first round competition. If either team fails to make it to the second round, it will be a huge disappointment. Spain should also be able to handle their group with little trouble, as only Ukraine should pose a real challenge to them.

It looks like a pretty tough tournament for my two favorites, America and Argentina, but there's definitely a chance for both. I'm pulling hard for anyone to knock off the Brazilians, and nothing would be sweeter than having the boys from the U, S and A take care of them early on, unless it was Argentina beating them in the final!

The hardest part now is waiting until June.

Oh well...it's just that much more time to prepare.

Risk v Stratego

2005-11-28T16:55:00.000-08:00

When you think of games like Risk and Stratego, one word comes to mind:

Strategeries.

Both games test the wits, cunning, and testicular fortitude of the players. Both games pit players against each other in a dance of feint and attack. Both games involve the conquest and domination of land and armies. But when you get right down to it, which is sweeter?

Risk has always been my favorite board game of all time, and as such, I've always considered it the greatest strategy game of all time. But as I mentioned in my last post, I've recently become hooked on Stratego. I used to think it was a pale imitation of Risk, but the more I play it, the more complex and brilliant I think it is. So the time has come to take an honest and unflinching look at both games and decide which game really is sweeter.

Let's examine how each game stacks up in a few major categories.

Strategy - Although it's the underlying element of each game, there's a surprisingly large degree of difference in the amount of strategy necessary to win both games. The strategy in Risk is fairly straightforward. The person able to control an entire continent the earliest and build up the most armies tends to win. Waiting patiently for other players to show weakness is usually a safe, successful strategy, and can be used in almost every game. Stratego, on the other hand, requires a carefully crafted strategy before and during the game. The initial placement of pieces is probably the most strategic aspect of the game, and can determine the outcome before the game even begins. This is in contrast to Risk, where the inital placement on the board is completely random. Which leads us to...

Luck - There is little to no luck involved in winning at Stratego. Apart from guessing where the opponent has placed his bombs, a good Stratego player relies on a careful probing of the enemy to determine the placement of all the pieces. The players control the game in almost every regard. In Risk, luck plays a large part in the outcome of each game. From the initial disbursement of the territories on the map to every roll of the dice during attacks, luck is a crucial factor in every player's path to worldwide conquest. Of course, luck is a factor in real-life warfare, but maybe not to this degree.

Diplomacy - This is where Risk really shines. The constantly shifting alliances among all the players is a big reason the game is so much fun. Obviously, there is no real diplomacy necessary in Stratego, apart from keeping a poker face during play. But in Risk, the flow of power in each game can shift wildly due to plotting and backstabbing among players.

The Fog of War - In real life, it is often hard to keep track of the enemy's movements and plans. In Stratego, this is simulated by each player not knowing their opponent's strategy or placement until they use their scouts or other soldiers to probe the opposing formations. Risk doesn't simulate this blindness at all, as every player can clearly see their the other players' strengths and weaknesses.

Final Verdict - I have to admit that Statego is superior to Risk in several ways. It is more realistic, and takes more adjustments and planning from each player. However, Risk forces players to deal with multiple enemies/allies and creates a lot of group activity. It makes for a very emotional atmosphere at times, and with luck being such a large factor in every game, there is never a certain outcome. So...which is sweeter?

Who am I kidding? Even though Stratego is like a better version of chess, and takes more skill than Risk in many ways, it's hard to top the emotional thrill of world conquest. Stratego doesn't offer the same ability to conquer and hold territory, or allow you to watch your empire grow while your friends' crumbles around them. And is anything sweeter than convincing someone to wipe out your enemy, only to find you waiting to crush them after they are weakened from doing your dirty work? Nope.

Risk is the sweetest.

anyone up for a game?

2005-11-28T15:39:00.000-08:00

Competition.

Some of us thrive on it, and some of us shrink away from it. Some of us want nothing more than to play a friendly game of Monopoly, Backgammon, Basketball, etc. just for fun, while others want to dominate their friends and family with their superior skills and tireless drive to win.

I don't know about you, but I'm into domination. (And not that way, so get your mind out of the gutter.)

I like to play just about anything, and I like to win. Unfortunately, this trait doesn't seem to go over well with friends. In fact, my family stopped playing games of any sort with me ever since an unfortunate Risk incident and my friends are slowly following suit. But I'll keep trying. Sooner or later, they'll be worn down by my constant need to compete, and the game will be on!

Anyway, this somewhat pointless post about my competitive streak was brought on by my latest random obsession - Stratego. For those of you that don't remember this game from when they were kids, it's an old-school board game involving a battlefield, some soldiers, and a flag. Simple, yet brilliant. Target has re-released this game, along with some other sweet retro games, in slick looking Library Editions. They're pretty sweet, and they look damn good on my bookshelf.

You can check them out here.

Coming Soon - Risk vs. Stratego: Which is Sweeter?

ouch

2005-11-21T13:18:00.000-08:00

It's official. OSU is done for the year. It was a pretty disappointing end to the season, especially when we look back to our win over Cal, which put us at 4-2, with a very realistic shot at 7-4 or even 8-3. Our stumbles down the stretch were painful to watch, but they did give us some hope for next year. It's nice to see that we've found a solid running game. Obviously, the passing game will take a hit without Mike Hass next year, but maybe without him to grab everything, Matt Moore (if he's still the starter) will finally spread the ball around a bit more. Our defense clearly needs the most work, but I'm confident that our young secondary will be much better next year. They got some much-needed experience, and hopefully the coaching staff will realize that we might have to adjust our schemes a little bit to compensate for the athletes that we have. The Civil War was a tough way to go out, but hopefully the team will be motivated for the off-season.

Now that our season is over, let's just hope that the Ducks can squeeze their way into the Fiesta Bowl and do the state proud.

bless you Mike Hass

2005-11-18T08:55:00.000-08:00

How about this quote from the Oregonian today?

According to one NFL scouting service that charts every pass thrown to the NCAA's top receivers, Hass has three drops in three years.

Now if only he could line up under center and throw the ball to himself. And maybe throw on a headset and take over for Mike Riley while he's at it.

unworthy?

2005-11-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

Due to my complete and utter lack of anything resembling a post lately, a friend recently informed me that I'm unworthy of a blog. In fact, she also said that I'm hopeless when it comes to technology.

I couldn't agree more.

Nonetheless, I'm nearly done with all my law school applications, and I should soon be back in force. Plus, the Beavers' season has been pretty hard to handle lately, and although I always intended to keep up the writing through thick and thin, I've found it's easier to suffer in silence. Still, that's no excuse. After I get back from Napa Valley on Monday, the blogging will begin again.

Let that be a warning to you all.

another book list

2005-10-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

Not that we really need another list or anything, but who am I kidding? I love this stuff. I have a strange fascination with lists, especially those relating to books, movies, sports, etc. Especially books. In this case, it's Time Magazines recent 100 Greatest Novels.

Enjoy.

berkeley to pasadena

2005-10-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I meant to write about the win at Berkeley much sooner, but to be honest, I've only recently recovered from that experience. That was one of the most draining sporting events I've ever attended. I was exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. The Beavers offense did their level best to hand that game to Cal at every opportunity, but our defense and special teams bailed them out almost every time. And while I was very happy to see our run game finally get going, it was a little disheartening (ok, more than a little) to watch our offense turn 4 redzone trips into 9 points. Brutal.

Still, the Beavs came out with a much-needed win, one that could mean all the difference this season. Wins over teams like Washington State, Arizona, Stanford, those are teams that are very beatable, and so far, we're on the right track. Games against Cal and UCLA are ones we need to steal if we want more than 6 wins this season. And we do, dammit!

Before the game, I was thinking that we needed to steal one win in this two game stretch from Berkeley to Pasadena, and now we've got a head start on it. If we can take this next one in Pasadena (which, frankly, I'm not sure we will) then the season will be set. If we can establish the run, keep the defense and special teams rolling, AND get Matt Moore to stay under control and playing smart, we can take it. Those are some big "if"s, but they're not out of the question.

And now it's official...we own Memorial Stadium!

futbol

2005-10-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

World Cup fever is officially upon us! As of Wednesday, all but a handful of spots in the greatest tournament on Earth have been filled up. It was a pretty exciting day of qualifying, and of course, I got to watch none of it. Given the success of the U.S. squad at the 2002 World Cup, you would think awareness and coverage of the final qualifying matches for the 2006 tourney would be at least somewhat improved from last time. Needless to say, the improvement was minimal.

Still, we're coming closer and closer to next June, and even closer to the opening round draw, where we'll find out where everyone stands for the group stages. It should be an amazing summer of futbol, and I'm getting stoked for it already.

slippin' and slidin'

2005-10-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

I've already started to slow down with the blogging. It's a shame, I know, but that beginning burst of energy has faded somewhat, and I've been pretty busy. This has been a crazy month, and it's not slowing down anytime soon.

I head up to Berkeley tomorrow morning for the OSU-Cal game, so it's doubtful I'll be posting much this weekend. HOWEVER, I remain committed to posting pictures of Derek's epic housewarming party, and now that I've got them on my computer, it's only a matter of time before they are online for the world (or, the three of us that check that this blog) to see. Until then, though, I'm preparing myself for Saturday's game.

hanging with mom

2005-10-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

I showed my mom around L.A. this weekend. It was great to have her around, and she definitely hooked it up with the cooking and cleaning! The apartment looks like a brand new place. A very nice upgrade. And as a bonus, I'll be eating leftovers for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next two weeks. Outstanding!

a little longer

2005-10-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's already taken longer than I would have liked, but it looks like the posting of party pictures will have to be delayed a little longer. I haven't been able to get the pictures on my computer yet, and the Moms is coming into town this weekend, so I'll be busy showing her the sights and sounds of L.A.

stories of a stranger

2005-10-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

If you haven't checked out the new O.A.R. album yet, go pick it up. I've been grooving on it for the last few days now and it just keeps growing on me. It's definitely a different sound than their previous work, but I think it reflects some positive changes for the band.

It's far and away the best-produced of their albums, and all the songs are well put together and tightly focused. That's not to say that there isn't some jamming, but it doesn't have the live studio recording sound that their previous albums did. My only complaint has been that the saxophone is a little scarce on this one. I've really liked how they've built Jerry's sax work into their sound over the last few years, and I've always thought that it is what sets them apart from so many other alt rock bands. On Stories of a Stranger we don't get as much sax as I'd hoped, as it seems to have been shifted to the background for the time being. It's not that the songs aren't good the way they are, I just feel they could be even stronger. 52-50 is easily the closest they've ever come to capturing the raw energy and power of their live performance, and it happens to be built around the sax. Like Christopher Walken, I've got a fever and the only presciption is more SAX!

Seriously though, the album as a whole is great. The more I listen to it the more I like it, and I think the band is continuing to improve as musicians. Their live sound is still what drives their success, but this album is a step in the right direction for their studio work. I think that their next album will continue this shift towards a more complex sound, and I'm hoping it will incorporate Jerry a bit more, but for now, I'm loving Stories of a Stranger.

some quick notes

2005-10-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

The new O.A.R. album (Stories of a Stranger) comes out tomorrow, so if you haven't pre-ordered it already, you can pick it up from Best Buy for $9.99 tomorrow. I haven't kept up with their new stuff like I usually do, but I'm definitely heading over during lunch to pick it up.

Also, pictures from Saturday evening's festivities are still forthcoming, but I haven't got them from Derek yet. As soon as I do, the analysis, commentary, and laughter may begin. From what I hear, there are some real gems, but I'm not sure they'll be too flattering. We'll see.

post party reflections

2005-10-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Derek's housewarming party went off without a hitch last night. The morning after, however, did not go as smoothly. I'm still in recovery mode, but as soon as I feel up to it, I'll post some pictures and some post party analysis.

saving the season

2005-10-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

Saturday's win was huge for the Beavers! Washington State is a team that we match up with well talent-wise, and we got them at a good time. They were coming off a bye week and hadn't yet played a team with Pac-10 caliber athletes. I think they are a solid team, and with a few more games under their belt, they will be all right, but that was a game we had to win. A loss there and we're sitting at 2-3 overall and 0-2 in conference. That could easily have finished off any chances of making a bowl game. The losses to Louisville and ASU were brutal to watch, but they were games we were expected to lose. After such lopsided losses, a third loss in a row would have been pretty much impossible to recover from.

Now the Beavers need to prepare themselves for Cal and hope that the defense can step up and give the offense a chance to win it. The secondary has been atrocious so far, and a Jeff Tedford offense isn't exactly what we want to see next, but there's still time for the D to turn it around. We'll have to wait and see if Mike Riley can scheme up a way to finally get some pressure on the opposing quarterback.

More to come as game time approaches.

Inaugural Address (continued)

2005-10-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

I guess it's time to do this thing. I've always been horrible about keeping up to date with emails, so a blog doesn't seem like my cup of tea, but maybe it will inspire me to be more consistent with my correspondence to friends. In fact, a couple of my friends inspired me to start this page, so I should probably start off with some shout-outs to them.

If you want to hear what my roommate Steve has to say about life, religion, or the combination of the two he calls the Chicago Cubs, go here.

And for those of you that know and enjoy Wendy Batt's emails (if you're still privileged enough to receive them), you'll probably already know what's going on with her, but check out her blog to catch up on anything you've missed.

I'll get links to both those sites, as well as a few others, up in the Links section as soon as I feel motivated to update it.

Alright, that's enough of the of the intro-type stuff. I'm still learning how to do this, so you'll have to forgive the sorry state of this first post. From now on though, it'll be time to get down to business. I'll try to keep everyone (and by everyone I mean myself and the 2 or 3 people I force to read this--sorry Steve and Lauren) up to date with news and thoughts on the Oregon State Beavers football team, the Portland Trail Blazers and their quest for an NBA title, and whatever random ideas and recommendations I have about books. I can't make any guarantees about how often I'll post, but hopefully I'll have something to say now and then. Until next time, kids!

Inaugural Address

2005-09-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

This thing is barely up and running, so I haven't written my first big speech yet, but it's coming...